Portrayal of the so-called “power surge” that set off fire alarms in late March has been revealed to be a planned act of sabotage by the English Department. 

That’s right, an investigation by The Spartan Star has revealed that the former Marian Catholic English Department now known as The Marian Catholic Figurative (Not Literal) Militia vehemently opposed to all use of technology. 

Former English teachers now combatants said that constant complaints about students on iPhones, iPads and earbuds have led them to “Rage Against the Machine” of technology. 

Over Spring Break, I’ve had interviews with some members of the English department, all of whom have chosen to keep their identities a secret because “You cannot fire and arrest us all.”

“Technology says it’s your friend, but it’s really not,” said a teacher who on condition of anonymity insisted on being called I.W.  

The Department Chair – I mean Militia Junta KM, was upset about a lack of discipline in post-pandemic classrooms. 

“I do not have much to say, as probably you won’t be able to understand me. Why may you ask? It’s probably because you were on your phone or had those little headphones inside your ears.”

Still, the leader kept talking. 

“We want to resolve this and get to a middle ground, but if it comes to this, or even just blocking the computer lab doors or shutting off the Wi-Fi in protest, we will do this,” KM said, by the lamp in a comfy chair. “This is not just for English, this is for the future of our students.”

Militia General N.Z. confirmed that the group wasn’t playing hardball. 

“Kids these days won’t even pick up a book. Back in my days at Marian, the only technology we had were iMacs guarded 24/7 by tech and security. That’s all my brother and I had,” N.Z. said. “Did I mention that my brother teaches here too?

“Anyway, we don’t wish harm to anyone but it’s time to put these iPads away.”

Yet, one English teacher expressed “ambivalence” about the militia’s tactics but directed all parties to view their manifesto.

“While I don’t have a true stance on this, I hope we can find a peaceful resolution. If a fire or riot truly starts, it wouldn’t matter much, as I would just find a new job. I mean, I just got here,” said M.W.

Ironically, M.W.’s lack of concern over the matter won him the role of outreach liaison in recent days.  

While there’s no video or photographic evidence, sources say they saw a soldier of the Figurative (Not Literal) Militia lurking around the lab where the March burnout occurred while a different teacher/soldier flicked the light switch with haunting precision. That was before a series of flares were hurled into the computer lab. If not for the bravery of Tech Department head Mr. Mike Carlfather, all might have been lost. 

First, Mr. Carlfather rescued every kid inside the lab before returning to carry a frazzled firefighter out of the school who’d passed out in the heat of the moment. 

Second, Principal Tornado started the early talks of de-escalation with the militia in the wake of rumors that Language, Mathematics and Theology Departments had planned to join the English – literally, not figuratively. 

“While I’m unsure of the full demands of the English Department,” Tornado said. “They’ve made it clear that they would like to end this on a peaceful note.”

Tornado said, “The best way to move forward is to follow this plan.”

Most important to know is that every academic department at Marian Catholic works together in perfect harmony with the sole mission of providing students a highly creative and rigorous experience. But you already knew that, didn’t you?